For Our Protection

For the last week or so I have been wandering around central London on my current mission of securing a job at the end of my PhD. This has obviously involved a fair few interviews, and more than a fair share of coffees beforehand to steady the nerves!

The problem with this excessive pre-interview coffee drinking is that the inevitable happens - the bladder blues. Okay - you may say to yourself - not a problem... there are plenty of restaurants, cafes, and public restrooms located around the city. Correct. However, stumbling blocks soon become evident on your way to urinary heaven:

1. The good old "toilets are for customers' use only" remarks are quickly thrown back at you by many restaurant owners. So no luck there then.
2. Spending a quick penny? Well that will cost you TWENTY pennies please sir. Oh, and only in the form of a single 20p piece or two 10's. Bloody ridiculous!! Especially when the change machines never seem to work when you need them to... I can't see why they go to the effort of putting a change machine next to the barrier machine that takes your 20p.... why not just combine the two and save everyone the hassle and embarrassment of pissing themselves even by the slightest amount whilst fumbling for that elusive 20p piece!?!
3. Queues. When you DO find a good and free toilet it has invariably been discovered by many, many other people before and as such you can look forward to a healthy sized queue.

But wait - there's worse. When you DO find a toilet and DO manage to get in there, us men can expect a whole host of nightmares. For a long time now I've wondered why it is that full grown men are incapable of hitting the target... why is it that after years of practice they still can't aim? I've come to believe that perhaps it all boils down to involuntary and built-in reactions left over from a far more interesting period in the human history. Kind of like how cats can't resist playing with a piece of string - men can't resist the urge to spray their bodily waste over every possible surface of public loo's. You might think that urinals are the safest bet in this case - with no part of your body having to touch anything.... but you're wrong. That guy standing next to you will subconsciously see your shoes in the corner of his eye, and "oops" your drenched before you even realise the mistake that you've just made.

Its not all bad though. Kind hearted Americans (probably women in fear of their male colleagues' health after hearing about such atrocities) have started to introduce protection. Little things such as seat savers to place over the loo seat in case the previous occupant was a particularly evolutionary retarded specimen. In fact, some toilet facilities even go to the lengths of having self cleaning loo seats. Genius.

Now if only Britain would realise that the era of gentlemen-like politeness was over a long time ago. I honestly think there's a serious opening in the market for a health-conscious company to make a killing in the UK public toilet industry.